Numb
A common question I get from close friends or even random strangers is: "Does working around death all the time make you numb to it?"
Sometimes I wish that were the case, only because it would make my life a lot less complicated. If every death I had was another person and every funeral I worked was another normal day on the job... I could go home and completely forget about my day. I could relax in solace and maybe even sleep soundly most nights. The truth is, working around death everyday does quite the opposite. It makes you completely aware of everything. Every emotion and every move that is ever made. It's almost exhausting to feel so much.
When I look at a dead body, I don't see just a dead body. I see someone's mother, sister, friend, grandmother; I see their wrinkles from years of smiling or I see a young boy who has the softest and curliest hair you've ever seen...hair you know his mother ran her fingers through all his life and hair you know will never make it to senior prom or graduation day. I see wedding rings that symbolize this was someone's person; someone's life. I see tattoos that tell a personal story. I see all faces of grief when the decedent's family walks through my doors. I see the anger and I see the denial; I see heartbreak and I see that look of complete and utter disbelief.
I am numb to nothing. I am a human being and I am a person who recognizes all of these things. I have nightmares sometimes because I can recall these small and intricate details; always at the wrong times.
So no, I am not numb to it. I am not less compassionate, less aware, or less involved. I am completely and utterly intertwined with death. It is a strength and a weakness in one fell swoop.
Sometimes I wish that were the case, only because it would make my life a lot less complicated. If every death I had was another person and every funeral I worked was another normal day on the job... I could go home and completely forget about my day. I could relax in solace and maybe even sleep soundly most nights. The truth is, working around death everyday does quite the opposite. It makes you completely aware of everything. Every emotion and every move that is ever made. It's almost exhausting to feel so much.
When I look at a dead body, I don't see just a dead body. I see someone's mother, sister, friend, grandmother; I see their wrinkles from years of smiling or I see a young boy who has the softest and curliest hair you've ever seen...hair you know his mother ran her fingers through all his life and hair you know will never make it to senior prom or graduation day. I see wedding rings that symbolize this was someone's person; someone's life. I see tattoos that tell a personal story. I see all faces of grief when the decedent's family walks through my doors. I see the anger and I see the denial; I see heartbreak and I see that look of complete and utter disbelief.
I am numb to nothing. I am a human being and I am a person who recognizes all of these things. I have nightmares sometimes because I can recall these small and intricate details; always at the wrong times.
So no, I am not numb to it. I am not less compassionate, less aware, or less involved. I am completely and utterly intertwined with death. It is a strength and a weakness in one fell swoop.
Comments
Post a Comment