Grieving as a funeral director

     It’s been 1 year, 10 months and 17 days since my mom took her last breath.  For most people holidays are a joyous time but for people who are grieving, it's a reminder of what once was and what will never be the same again.  Thanksgiving will always be the last holiday I had with my mom and all of my siblings.  Christmas Eve will always be the day I prepared my mom for her funeral.

    Her death has changed me in a profound way. I will never be the same person I was before December 21, 2019. I have and will continue to grieve the loss of my mom, probably until the day I die myself. When someone dies, as human beings we may try to comfort the grieving to say, “It will get better,” “Time will heal,” “You will move on.” Life does continue on and that part is very much true but grief isn’t a wound that gradually heals, it’s an amputation of a limb and you will find a new way to live but it will look very different and there’s always going to be that missing limb…that missing piece of your life and who you once were. You can believe in heaven and eternal life and feel broken at the same time. You can trust God and his plan but still struggle with the everyday reality because it is hard. Hard isn’t even an accurate enough word…unbearable…painful…sometimes lonely…sometimes maddening…sometimes just gut wrenching to your bones miserable. 

    I would have days of instinctively going to pick up the phone and remembering I couldn’t call her and collapse in tears and laughter because the mere thought of that being true just seemed absurd. I miss her hugs, I miss her laugh, I miss her showing up at my house randomly just to hang out and talk. I definitely miss calling her for advice. She was never judgmental and I felt that even if I made a mistake or screwed up that I could always call her. She was my very best friend. 

    So how do funeral directors handle grief?  We are the experts in death care, we deal with grieving people and loss daily.  We face what most people run from because it's too much to bear.

   Funeral directors I believe are excellent compartmentalizers, it's how we effectively do our jobs.  We put other people's feelings before our own; we know what needs to be done and keep on task.  Funeral directors have so much empathy and compassion for others but we also know that we are depended on and expected to be the calm through all the chaos.  

    From personal experience, I will say it's extremely difficult to be the person other people look to for guidance and direction when their loved one just died and simultaneously trying to work through your own grief.   

    I can remember a few months after my mom's death and the week after my grandma died, I was working a graveside service at the cemetery when a lot just hit me all at once.  Very rarely do I shed tears in front of other people but this particular situation just hit too close to home when everyone was surrounding the casket and crying about their mom/grandma. I had to walk away to gain composure and the minister (a friend of mine)  walked over to me, he asked, "Did you know this person?" and the tears just rolled down my face as I said, "No," then proceeded to cry harder.  He looked at me with the most gracious eyes and said, "I understand." 

    Grief can hit at unexpected times and instead of trying to bury it even deeper, I've had to make peace with it and learn to ride the waves.  There are days I am drowning and there are days I'm floating and basking in the sun.

    For the longest time I had this notion that the reason I chose funeral service was because I wanted to be the person who could help other people through their grief and make a difference.  My mom's death not only made me view my personal life differently but also made me realize how narcissistic of a thought that was.  I feel I genuinely in my heart had good intentions and meant well by that thought process but once you've experienced the death of someone very close to you, your lens changes.

    I used to take a lot of work baggage home with me each night.  I'm an empath and for a long time I made other people's pain my own pain and their sadness, anger, remorse, etc. my responsibility.

    Now, because of everything I've experienced and felt after my mom's death I've realized there's absolutely nothing I can do that will make anyone else's grief easier to deal with.  I cannot carry their load of pain but I can walk beside them.

    I recognize the tired and weary faces of family members who have been up all night or maybe even days before their loved one died.  I get it when a person keeps apologizing about forgetting something because I too know, how easily your brain becomes mush when you're grieving. 

    I know the overwhelming feeling of support after a death occurs when people will call, send messages, send food, or even drop by to offer help.

    I also know after a month or two, the silence that follows and how that's usually the time the shock of everything wears off and people have moved on with their lives but you're just scratching the surface.

    I remember the looks in public when you run into someone you know and you're really just hanging on by a thread but they don't want to bring the loss up to not upset you...when really you want to hear them talk about it because it's all that you think about.

    I can only speak for myself but as a funeral director I feel I've dealt with grief in the same way everyone else in the world does....

one day at a time.