5 Stages of Grief
In mortuary college we learn about
Kubler-Ross and the 5 stages of grief:
1.) Denial
2.) Anger
3.) Bargaining
4.) Depression
5.) Acceptance
Denial, seems pretty straightforward right? Refusing to accept what is. Denial comes in all forms; ever hear someone say, "I don't like going to funerals" or "I never look at the body during visitation." Denial can also be prolonging the funeral arrangements or the opposite; wanting to have everything done within a short period of time. It is avoiding any and all connection that the death has occurred. Avoiding making decisions or even participating...isolating and distancing.
Anger, yet another obvious emotion right? Maybe. As a funeral director we take a lot of the "anger," so to speak. Family members are grieving, they direct their anger towards me instead. Number one death occurrence I see anger in would be the family members who lose their loved one to suicide. They are so angry because that person made a choice to end their life and that choice didn't involve their feelings. Second is accidents, deaths that happened because of drunk driving or behaving in a way where the surviving relatives don't condone.
Bargaining, typically I see this when someone has been terminally ill. The family questions themselves and the medical care their loved one received. They question whether the right choices were made and they continuously feel as if something else could have been done or if it was done differently, their loved one would still be alive.
Depression, when reality settles in and you're left feeling empty. How can I go on without this person in my life? What is my purpose without this person? How do I fill the void with this person being gone? Alcohol abuse and drug abuse; most start with depression. Looking for some type of substance to avoid dealing with the hurt and the pain.
Acceptance, realizing the grief is still there and the pain is still there but as a person you will continue on with your life anyway. Acceptance is not a finish line of grief. Yes according to Kubler-Ross it is the "last" stage but all of these stages are interchangeable and someone may be experiencing multiple stages at one time or diverting from one to another. Acceptance is living with the grief. It is owning that this has happened and I am sad, hurt, lonely but I am also choosing to go about my life.
Comforting someone going through grief is difficult because as human beings we want to magically heal and make the person hurting better. We feel as if something logical should be said; we become uncomfortable in silence and try to fill the spaces. We may become overbearing or sometimes extremely avoidant because how do we handle this situation?
My advice...listen. Stop talking and listen and if there are no words coming out of their mouth then do not try to fill the emptiness. Look in their eyes and acknowledge their hurt. Nod or squeeze their hand; a soft touch on the shoulder or maybe even a hug where you let them decide when to let go. Most importantly; don't forget...a week later or months later; even years later. Do not let it become a ghost, love lives on and so should stories and memories.
Kubler-Ross and the 5 stages of grief:
1.) Denial
2.) Anger
3.) Bargaining
4.) Depression
5.) Acceptance
Denial, seems pretty straightforward right? Refusing to accept what is. Denial comes in all forms; ever hear someone say, "I don't like going to funerals" or "I never look at the body during visitation." Denial can also be prolonging the funeral arrangements or the opposite; wanting to have everything done within a short period of time. It is avoiding any and all connection that the death has occurred. Avoiding making decisions or even participating...isolating and distancing.
Anger, yet another obvious emotion right? Maybe. As a funeral director we take a lot of the "anger," so to speak. Family members are grieving, they direct their anger towards me instead. Number one death occurrence I see anger in would be the family members who lose their loved one to suicide. They are so angry because that person made a choice to end their life and that choice didn't involve their feelings. Second is accidents, deaths that happened because of drunk driving or behaving in a way where the surviving relatives don't condone.
Bargaining, typically I see this when someone has been terminally ill. The family questions themselves and the medical care their loved one received. They question whether the right choices were made and they continuously feel as if something else could have been done or if it was done differently, their loved one would still be alive.
Depression, when reality settles in and you're left feeling empty. How can I go on without this person in my life? What is my purpose without this person? How do I fill the void with this person being gone? Alcohol abuse and drug abuse; most start with depression. Looking for some type of substance to avoid dealing with the hurt and the pain.
Acceptance, realizing the grief is still there and the pain is still there but as a person you will continue on with your life anyway. Acceptance is not a finish line of grief. Yes according to Kubler-Ross it is the "last" stage but all of these stages are interchangeable and someone may be experiencing multiple stages at one time or diverting from one to another. Acceptance is living with the grief. It is owning that this has happened and I am sad, hurt, lonely but I am also choosing to go about my life.
Comforting someone going through grief is difficult because as human beings we want to magically heal and make the person hurting better. We feel as if something logical should be said; we become uncomfortable in silence and try to fill the spaces. We may become overbearing or sometimes extremely avoidant because how do we handle this situation?
My advice...listen. Stop talking and listen and if there are no words coming out of their mouth then do not try to fill the emptiness. Look in their eyes and acknowledge their hurt. Nod or squeeze their hand; a soft touch on the shoulder or maybe even a hug where you let them decide when to let go. Most importantly; don't forget...a week later or months later; even years later. Do not let it become a ghost, love lives on and so should stories and memories.
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